How to have a good divorce
Updated: Oct 6
Last month, Divorce Coach and best selling author Sara Davison asked Is your relationship really over, or is it just suffering from 'lockdownitus'. Today, she continues her with advice on what to do if you and your partner really have reached the point of no return.
"My advice is always to work on the relationship and not give up. However there are times when you need to be brave and face the fact that it just isn’t working. If you are with a partner who doesn’t love you it will be damaging to your confidence and self-esteem.
If they don’t want to be with you anymore then forcing them to stay is never going to make you happy. Divorce is never the easy option - it is an emotional rollercoaster with practical challenges and financial stresses thrown in.
If you think you may be headed for divorce, my top tips for how to start out in the best possible way are:
1 Get your support team in place
It’s easy to get overwhelmed with the divorce process from a financial, legal and emotional perspective, whilst trying to maintain your daily routine too. So get experts around you who can help answer all the questions you have and give you the best advice. This helps protect your best interests and dials down your stress knowing you can get your questions answers.
2 Get clarity on what you spend each month
By doing this, you can understand your spending patterns. Create a budget spreadsheet of your weekly and monthly expenditure. You need to take ownership of this so you feel more financially independent and in control.
3 Agree with your partner what to say to the kids...
...about the breakup. Always good to sit down together if possible and tell them together. Reassurance that they are loved and that this is not their fault is key.
4 Treat each other with respect and kindness
You are bound to disagree at some point and if you agree to treat each other well you can keep it as amicable as possible.
5 Don’t forget to keep some fun in your life
It can be a rollercoaster of emotions so make sure you find ways to laugh and connect with those you love.
6 Don’t talk about your breakup to everyone you meet
Share your feelings with close friends or family but don’t get sucked into a world where the only thing you talk about is your split.
7 Eating well and exercise.
It is crucial to keeping a strong mind and enabling you to make better decisions.
8 Write a list of all the things you weren’t happy with in your relationship
It's time to take off the rose-tinted glasses. If you are heartbroken and finding it hard to let go of your ex this is a great exercise. When we reminisce about our partners it’s easy to focus on all the good bits and romanticise about things. But this will keep you stuck in the past and it isn’t always reality as this list will show.
9 Ask for help
If you are struggling to cope with the negative emotions then make sure you ask for help. Some people find it hard to reach out but there are books out there which can help you to move forward after a break-up, as well as experts who specialise in this area.
10 Make some uplifting plans and put them into action
If you are looking for support with your breakup then my new book “The Split – 30 days from Breakup to Breakthrough” is out now on Amazon. It will give you your own step by step 30 Day Plan to cope with your breakup and ensure you keep your momentum moving forward.
Every separating couple needs legal advice, because these are huge decisions concerning your children and your finances. But don’t be fooled into thinking lawyers have all the skills you need – they don’t. A divorce is about so much more than the legal process. It’s a re-defining moment in your life. You need impartial emotional support, so you can make long term decisions which are right for you and your family. A Divorce Coach can help you become ‘emotionally ready’ for a fraction of the cost of a lawyer. The only reason to rush to legal advice is if you feel your safety is at risk, or if there are serious issues about one partner hiding assets or jurisdictional complexities. But these scenarios only affect a very small minority of couples, thankfully".
For more information on Sara's work, go to Sara Davison.com